dating-after-divorce

Dating after divorce

Dating after divorce

dating-after-divorce

How soon is too soon to start dating after divorce? The answer to this is both simple and complex. It is also highly individual. Before you start dating, you must process your emotions surrounding the dissolution of your previous relationship. Or to put it simply, don’t just fuck someone for revenge.
dating-after-divorce

Only you can tell when the time is right, and like most of us, you will think you are ready, when you are not. The best thing you can do is take some time to be alone, to grieve, to rebuild your strength and courage and self identity and to enjoy being by yourself. In short, learn to love yourself first, before you date again.

dating-after-divorce

 

If you run into the arms of another lover you risk making the same mistakes. You also risk starting a relationship based on that person’s ability to “fix” you.

There are times when we are propelled into dating, to help with a physical urge to feel wanted and needed, and to fill a sexual hole. It’s understandable, but it’s also empty sex. Devoid of love and meaning.

The most important thing is to be kind to yourself.  You will stuff up, but date by date, you will learn a little more about yourself, about the qualities that you do and don’t want this time, and you will learn what you heart can bear, and what it desires.

I started dating about a year after my divorce. Or should I say tried to date. It was not successful, as I was hurt and angry and propelled this onto prospective dates. This inevitably resulted in some now funny, dating disasters. I needed three years alone to face the dating world again.

How has your dating experience been post separation and divorce?

angry

Anger after divorce

Angry?

Angry.  This morning I lost my temper after receiving a text message from my ex husband. The circumstances are not what is important, however, what surprised me, was that after 6 years, I am still emotionally triggered by certain things that he does. And today, was a storm in a tea-cup. I was ready with the blame and the frustration and the anger, and for once, it was not water off a duck’s back. That’s life isn’t it. Feelings creep up on you, and unresolved they explode, if you are not mindful of them.

Often in the middle of a disturbing emotion, we lose sense of perspective and objectivity. Anger is a message that one of our fundamental values has been compromised, and it insults and irritates us. The extent to which it does, sometimes correlates to the extent of our anger. Other times, its a lack of sleep, distraction and misinterpretation, and those stories we have in our head.  You know the ones that go like this.

I can’t believe he said that!

What does he think I am?

How selfish!

expletive expletive

It’s his son for xxx sake.

What a stingy bastard.

 

Now the above may or may not be true, but it is also possible that what was said, was simply interpreted in your mind according to your perspective, and isn’t what they meant at all. A good test is to show or explain to an impartial person and if they say, no, I don’t think they meant that, then it is highly likely that you overreacted. Don’t shame yourself over it. Just learn from the experience.

There is nothing wrong with anger as an emotion, and repressing it serves no purpose other than to create mental and physical disharmony. However, we need to find ways to become mindful of our anger as it rises, so that we can find ways to express it and then move forward.

For me, if I can be mindful enough to access my essential oils, I can calm down fast enough to change my perspective, get a little space and not overreact.

Next month on my order I’m getting Cardamom essential oil, how about you?

 

Angry

For further information about navigating emotions like anger after a divorce, please visit this page, which includes examples of blends you can use to help you with anger and other turbulent emotions.

 

Soundtrack of a divorce

http://www.couriermail.com.au/entertainment/confidential/adele-brisbane-concert-star-says-hello-in-first-of-two-shows/news-story/4233a7c47e1aefa2cd5f57c316a1c3b2

There are songs that haunt us, by the very fact that they seem to look right into our hearts, and upon inspection, rip them apart. How is it, that someone you have never met, can understand exactly how you feel? How can the universe present you with a song, at a pertinent time in your life, that mirrors exactly how you feel, captures your raw emotions, and yet also helps with a little piece of healing, in the mere fact of the recognition of your suffering.

Adele was in Brisbane this weekend. It seems that everyone went, including many of my friends, and their daughters. A beautiful moment for mothers and daughters celebrating a rite of passage; a first concert together, and a shared love of a gorgeous and talented, emotive musician.  I watched with envy the Facebook and Instagram posts. But tonight, I realised, an Adele concert even now, is still too raw for me.

You see 21, was the soundtrack of my separation and divorce. Just like millions of others, who identify with the raw pain and heartbreak that Adele captures so magnificently, Adele captured my heartbreak.

21 was the first album that I purchased after leaving our marriage. We moved to a tiny house overlooking a lake, which was surrounded by rolling hills, mist and green dairy pastures. And as we drove each day from our lake house, to town, and down the long windy road to kindy we sang. My two year old, four year old, and I sang out loud to the words of Rolling in the Deep.

My children knew the song, by the first few beats. They looked forward to it, knowing somehow, that mummy loved the song, that it was the only time that she sang out loud, and that somehow, it brought a release.  Somehow, the words of a song, sung by someone else, gave flight to the emotions contained within.

I stayed until I could no more. I unravelled to my very core trying to save that marriage. I gave birth to the guilt that accompanied leaving.

He found solace in another woman’s arms fours weeks later, and has had partners ever since.

I never wanted to go back, it was done. But my heart has been sticky taped ever since.

I have hated him, forgiven him, embraced his new partners, gone out of my way to be the perfect ex-wife, and mostly, not forgiven myself.

We could have had it all.

But we didn’t.

It’s time to find a new song, to open my heart again, and create a future which has it all, this time, with a love song.