There are songs that haunt us, by the very fact that they seem to look right into our hearts, and upon inspection, rip them apart. How is it, that someone you have never met, can understand exactly how you feel? How can the universe present you with a song, at a pertinent time in your life, that mirrors exactly how you feel, captures your raw emotions, and yet also helps with a little piece of healing, in the mere fact of the recognition of your suffering.
Adele was in Brisbane this weekend. It seems that everyone went, including many of my friends, and their daughters. A beautiful moment for mothers and daughters celebrating a rite of passage; a first concert together, and a shared love of a gorgeous and talented, emotive musician. I watched with envy the Facebook and Instagram posts. But tonight, I realised, an Adele concert even now, is still too raw for me.
You see 21, was the soundtrack of my separation and divorce. Just like millions of others, who identify with the raw pain and heartbreak that Adele captures so magnificently, Adele captured my heartbreak.
21 was the first album that I purchased after leaving our marriage. We moved to a tiny house overlooking a lake, which was surrounded by rolling hills, mist and green dairy pastures. And as we drove each day from our lake house, to town, and down the long windy road to kindy we sang. My two year old, four year old, and I sang out loud to the words of Rolling in the Deep.
My children knew the song, by the first few beats. They looked forward to it, knowing somehow, that mummy loved the song, that it was the only time that she sang out loud, and that somehow, it brought a release. Somehow, the words of a song, sung by someone else, gave flight to the emotions contained within.
I stayed until I could no more. I unravelled to my very core trying to save that marriage. I gave birth to the guilt that accompanied leaving.
He found solace in another woman’s arms fours weeks later, and has had partners ever since.
I never wanted to go back, it was done. But my heart has been sticky taped ever since.
I have hated him, forgiven him, embraced his new partners, gone out of my way to be the perfect ex-wife, and mostly, not forgiven myself.
We could have had it all.
But we didn’t.
It’s time to find a new song, to open my heart again, and create a future which has it all, this time, with a love song.